Grandpas Birthday

I've talked about him before and I will continue to talk about him, It was his birthday today and Im hoping he is rocking out in heaven. without him there is NO WAY we could have done this whole surrogacy, Its such a shame that we couldn't tell him all about it as he always wanted a girl in the family but I know he will be watching out for sure. So today Im going to share a few GRANDPA memories...

I never had a grandpa as both my mum and dad's fathers died before I was born. So I called him grandpa and he didn't seem to mind, when I met him I remember him saying I was very beautiful (bless!) and he gave me a big kiss, He like being kissed and hugged (a typical CJ!) He cooked a mean roast gammon too if I recall. He also let M and I have a go on his buggy which he found hilarious as we zoomed about. For our wedding he gave me his wife's pearls which was very moving, he was saving them for the first girl in the family but he wanted me to have them, I wore them on his funeral day. Baby CJ can wear them and she WILL be the first female CJ by birth for a while! Also I should mention If I haven't already earlier in this blog that my engagement ring diamond was one of 3 from Grandpa's wife's ring, M's mummy has one set in sapphires, and 1 each were for the boys wives to be, SO I got one and H got one.
Grandpa lived to the ripe old age of 96, which by any means is a good old age. He had a great life, lots of amazing adventures and today I got a couple of his military medals which I will box frame with a picture of him.

This is the CJ menfolk on my wedding day (yes my hubby and his brother had daft hair!)

16 weeks

So 16 weeks today :)

We have hopefully chosen our pram whoop....I candy...after ALOT of thought and trying out about 5 at the baby show,  I candy came out the best for me with my bad back etc...lightest and easiest.  We were outbid on ebay on a white company cot but Im still looking, and If we really want we will buy a new one, everything doesn't have to be second hand!! As you know we won a rocking chair for £13.50 on ebay and going to look at cots still but most definitely a chest of drawers, maybe a wardrobe too depending on the room. We are now thinking seriously of doing a small extension on the back of our house, just a single room as there is no way enough room downstairs in our house, This will be Baby CJ's play room and also an extra storage room (and the tumble dryer hidden away in there) It means we can stay in our lovely home for alot longer. There isn't enough room for US let alone a baby and all her Sh*t!!! Already its piling up in the study and third bedroom!!! When we come to sell it can be a dining room or an extra sitting room. Keep our sitting room "nice" ha ha. Im not sure where Mr CJ's stuff in "HRH to be's" room will go... Im hoping that this new extension room will have built in cupboards.A great time to do it would be whilst we are in chicago so someone is here and keeping an eye on the house. Then its done and we don't have to live with the mess with a newborn!

BUT I digress....BABY

Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double her weight and add inches to her length. Right now, she's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. Her legs are much more developed, her head is more erect than it has been, and her eyes have moved closer to the front of her head. Her ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of her scalp has begun, though her locks aren't recognizable yet. She's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, her heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.

She is the size of a large avocado this week.

A peak inside 

STORMY!!!

So last night we had a huge storm! That was not very fun...about 3am a piece of our neighbours scaffolding fell off and I literally jumped about 7ft in the air. Even Mr CJ was scared and he doesn't "do" scared at weather situations being a salty sea dog.  We lost power but now its back HURRAH...It wasn't quite as bad as they had predicted, I had images of my precious family home that was trashed in Essex back in 1987....but scary nonetheless. I think I checked on the dogs about 6 times, Tyler was freaking out and Roo was so unbothered... This sums them up to a tee.

Today I "surveyed the grounds" with my father's stick, very much channeling the old bear, In my pink dressing gown and Ugg boots....Just like he would have done except he would have had his blue dressing gown on and wellies,  I felt a bit like Gandalf with his staff and that I should have been up on "the hill" shouting "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" at the storm as it approached.

BABY SHOW circa 15 hrs to go....

just spoken to someone who got six ..yes 6 BIG bags full of free stuff, including a baby blender..I'm in heaven...If she bought 6 bags of free stuff back I HAVE to beat that....Get READY M...Get READY babyshow, The CJ's are coming for FREE stuff...the excitement is too much, I feel like its Christmas eve! Excitement only marred by 2 things, 1- It would appear I'm in for another bladder surgery whoop (nawt) because that was such fun last time having complications and being kept in and then the full body allergy that took 4 wks to control with me looking like a leper and being allergic to 4 of 6 of the drugs used....and 2) a much smaller thing, I'm ALONE AGAIN as hubby is working late AGAIN, really late lately 11pm ish (his job working him toooo hard!) Never see him these days :( I really am going to push for him to switch jobs if they keep on making him work this hard. When baby comes I want him to be part of her life..not only see her at weekends....to be honest Im pretty ok on my own, got the dogs and Im used to it frankly. I don't mind my own company too much either because a)Im like sooooo hilariously entertaining even to myself and b) I can watch all sorts of girlie things on tv or read to pass the time.

We also have movement :)

R can feel Baby CJ sometimes when she is lying down...tiny movements...awwww.......few more weeks and there will be proper kicks and punches..lucky R! R still craves sushi..*bleurgh*  We will be taking out Cadbury's dairy milk for her choccy desires and to educate baby on REAL chocolate, not gross soapy yank chocolate (sorry my American cousins!) Baby show this weekend, and VERY excited about pram choosing, I candy, bugaboo bee, buagboo chameleon, explory stokke, silvercross surf looking like the top contenders. I hope to feel better by saturday. Have a lergy right now so better get better. Me and 9380983098098 pregnant women, poor M. I think the baby class will be "interesting". Really rather over excited! "Bonfire" Next weekend and My brother and family is coming to stay which should be fun..."I "the second youngest is going to ride one of our neighbours horses, she is horse mad, also we are going to feed the sheep that live in "our field" ginger nuts as thats what they like.. Hoping the weekend will be dry for us, bonfire night being rainy sucks. Bring on the sparklers!

Still no scan pics from R yet, Im still hoping they may come :) I think the ones Nancy sent came today but I was out so off to the post office in the morning WHOOP WHOOP! I dont think we have any "baby looking" ones in there but still....We can collect the Fetal medicine scan and 20 wk scan when we are over there, Baby CJ should look more baby like then anyways, also we are doing the 3d and 4d scan with R on the 7 december .

2 months

...Today is Christmas Eve, and also the date when Baby CJ is 24 wks, technically old enough to survive! CRAZY to think!!

Lets hope she is no way NEAR THAT EARLY!!! But it is quite a milestone I will be thinking about on Christmas eve!!!

My Daughters future husband is christened ;)

Only joking...baby CJ will be far to good for old Georgie boy ;) ha ha..

As usual "Princess swishy hair" looked fantabulous and epitomised yummy mummy!!

*Breaking news!!!!* we have a BUMP

R says she now has a bump and has broken out the maternity jeans!!! whoop, maybe we might get some bumpage pics??!!! at 15 weeks we now have a bump whoooooop!

15 wks!

Baby is the size of a large orange today

 She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at the tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam....THAT IS TOO COOL!!!!!! There's not much for baby to taste at this point, but she is forming taste buds. Finally, if you were to have an ultrasound this week, you may be able to find out whether your baby's a boy or a girl! (Don't be too disappointed if it remains a mystery, though. Nailing down your baby's sex depends on the clarity of the picture and on your baby's position. He or she may be modestly curled up or turned in such a way as to "hide the goods.") CLEARLY WE ALREADY KNOW BABY CJ IS A GIRL..WHOOP!

24 weeks to go until 39 weeks planned "D" day IF she stays put...PLEASE....My little bear stay in there until at least April 1st!!! It's insane to think she could be born and live from christmas eve when she will be 24 wks (although she may measure 24 wks on 18 december!) Christmas eve is only 9 weeks away!!!! It was longer than that (a month longer!) than that since Portugal with my family and that feels like yesterday!!! My gut says she is coming in March...I was always told I would have a baby on March 26th, And weirdly I have been dreaming 25 March, 29 March and April 1... so we will see...That wouldn't be TOO early but Ideally she would hang on a little bit longer!

*barf* is this a joke?!

not for the faint hearted, apparently these are a normal thing at a baby shower, I think I would actually be SICK if someone did this, they are funny though...http://www.mommyish.com/2013/10/14/vagina-cakes/

my *Advice* to mummy to be's who are a bit down...

If you are having a tough day (like I have had today) you know what just made me feel better? going and looking at a) my ickle pink tracksuit, soooo teeny soft and cute- hence you imagine the also ickle teeny soft and cute person who will be filling it soon enough, more than enough "cuteness medication" to melt the angriest heart, now Im going to read Brambley hedge to help me to sleep, go on go and   buy your fave childhood books and read them and remind yourself the wonder  of the worlds that those books made you feel. THEN imagine reading them to your children!
alternatively you can watch rude tube or something with animals doing stupid things - that usually works, there is something about animals doing stupid things that I find HILARIOUS and I mean that REALLY, my husband looks at me like Im slightly deranged! Luckily my niece and nephew I and J share this sense of humour I once laughed so much with them on this very topic I hurt my  stomach muscles and made my eyes sore from crying with laughter. I might post a video of this if i can find it.
Also eat chocolate. Its a fact and scientifically proven, though I have never actually seen the proof that it makes you feel better....but it does :)

oh heres that video! ;)

humph

no scan pics yet....DESPERATE for them....Still yet to hear the doppler...oh well... buying lots cheap things to make me feel a bit more included in the whole process.. Although today did buy couple of things full price (felt naughty) the cutest little dress from gap and also the cot bumper we loved loved from the white company and had looked at about 60 times longingly, I knew id regret it if we didn't as I adored it, lovely noahs ark theme. M loved the little dress and we got all excited and had a big snuggle  WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!! after 4 yrs of literally wanting to at times die I was so sad or ill this is bringing so much joy. Its hard though not feeling included being so far away, I am so grateful to be able to do surrogacy, even if it means a lot of debt but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I wish more than all the world to just be ABLE to get pregnant, not suffer, have my baby grow inside ME and therefore be INCLUDED in it all ...Its a tough tough journey not to be taken lightly...Im not sure I could do this again! I'd go through childbirth a zillion times to be able to do it myself!!! Its no easy ride being an intended parent, you feel at times lost, confused by different ways of doing things, exhausted, frustrated,angry at times, left out...its a REAL roller coaster, but hopefully in the end when the baby is in our arms and home and OURS, it will all have been so worth it. But its hard not having a bump,even seeing bump pics, or feeling the baby move or being there for scans, having a copy...I don't know what it feels like for R, her cravings, I wish I knew more...EVERY detail however big or little is so important. People might think oh its an easy option you get someone knocked up and you sit back and chillax, oh how naive! Its a juggling act, they say IVF is hard but try that and surrogacy! IVF , the worry of how many eggs did you get, how many fertilised,how many made it to day 3. to day 5, through PGD, is she pregnant, Oh god she's bleeding will we lose it, then all the other stuff, its a nightmare and a dream a wonderful dream at the same time! Do you understand? Now despite the Previa and various other issues, we feel it happening... its close!!! We still have dangers of course and 20 wks scan will be a biggy but right now through some frustrated tears we have so much love and happiness! This bubs is soooo loved already! We both simply cannot wait!!! But I cant deny I wish it didn't have to be like this...that we could do it like most people! life is unfair at times....But hopefully IVF and surrogacy is helping out thousands of people all over the world right now.

15 October Pregnancy and Infant loss day

http://www.october15th.com/

At 7pm across the world people light a candle in remembrance of their loss, I will be lighting a candle for my angels. I think this is a lovely Idea, a wave of light across the world. Thinking of all those who have lost their precious babes.

14 wks (probably measuring 14 +6 though ha)

SO this week...SIZE Of A LARGE LEMON- Next week is Naval orange week, so now have the song "Oranges and Lemons sang the bells of St Clements" in my head, Its all a bit confusing as she is actually measuring 6 days ahead in growth so I feel Im always a week behind!

This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck her thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, her facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. Her kidneys are producing urine, which she releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process she'll keep up until birth. she can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch her sucking his thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, she measures 3 1/2 inches —  — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. Her body's growing faster than her head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, her arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of her body. (Her legs still have some lengthening to do.) She's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over her body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and her spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells. Though you can't feel h tiny punches and kicks yet, your little pugilist's hands and feet (which now measure about 1/2 inch long) are more flexible and active.

Baby at 14 wks :)

Booking flights to see Baby CJ in DEC!!!

yipeeeee 7 wks!!!! We can see 22-23 wk Bumpage!!!! Go and look at our accommodation options etc...But mainly go for a scan!!! a SPECIAL scan we can get a dvd of in 3D and 4D.

http://www.storkvision.com/faqs.html

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!! Still checking the post for the scan pic so far from R, still not here :(

Thought this was lovely and so true

13 +1 or 14 weeks today?!

Im a bit confused!?? Since 10 wks Baby CJ has been measuring 5/6 days ahead so technically she is MEASURING 14 wks TODAY! when she is supposedly 13 +1! So which is it? I really want to know as this throws my fruit and veg connotations out the window, either she is a peach or large lemon?! Also Id feel ALOT happier knowing when she is "coming" or due to come!!! not miss it by a wk!!!

Nuchal scan good news

All good at Nuchal scan yipppppeeee. Blood results back in a week or so. But so far so good. Previa still there but not to worry to much unless its at the next scan, another scan in about 6 wks. About 19 November.  She measuring big again :) 13 +6 as opposed to 13. They don't seem worried by that and in fact apparently was VERY active in utero! R said she was partying in there and actually felt her push back when poked by the sonographer !!! Its R's 3rd pregnancy so apparently you feel movements earlier.  More bloods on halloween...will be interesting as R just said they wont do C section until 39 wks (1 wk early) over there and baby CJ is measuring a wk earlier consistently now so it makes sense she will come earlier, if they only doing a section 1 wk early then its a little quite a bit concerning that she will actually really be having a section when she due...which kind of defeats the object of her not going into labour first!!! It would be a bit bad SH*T if we missed the birth!!!!!! Anyhoo Im  going to discuss this with them closer to the time and maybe we can get a section done 1 april wk not 8 april if she still measuring big. HA an april fool baby would be funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GF3rWj0A_Y

ha ha dancing baby

to buy:

cot and bedding and mattress, swaddles, mobile for cot http://www.johnlewis.com/jellycat-bashful-musical-mobile/p230965195
chest drawers and table top for changer
wardrobe? If room...built in?
bookshelf
moses basket mainly for USA
travel cot
rocker
room thermometer
monitor

top and tail bowl
bath toys
shampoo visor
bath thermometer
nappies
nappy bin and casettes
muslins
medical stuff and wipes etc...
http://www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-heritage-nappy-stacker-white/p231826992 nappy tidier for back of door

slings

car seat/s how many of these do you get through?!

car seat isofix

baby carrier- again how many does one get through?

pushchair 
pushchair toys

changing bag

bottles

bottle steriliser

bottle warmer

bottle brush

more muslins

feeding pillow
bibs
weaning stuff (bleurgh)
teething stuff- Sophie the Giraffe a must
high chair

clothes

grow bags

bumbo play seat for sitting up 4-5 mnths

rattles

toys

playmat
jumperoo or door swing bouncer
toy storage boxes

baby gates
DOG TRAINING....

MORE BOOKS: This Xmas Im GOING to buy "The Night Before Christmas"Has to be done even just to read to myself, I used to get a new pair of Pj's or a nighty and that story read on xmas eve and I LOVED it such a magical story and new Pj's was all exciting too! Ohhh there are so many books I did make a list a while back....I digress back to books... Amazon is the best for deals. Id really like to get the Beatrix Potter next you can get the set for something ludicrous like a tenner. They have daily specials too. Im trying to keep things as neutral/pastel as possible as my ickle cottage will get overwhelmed with garish colours(and Im all about cream and beige ha ha) and apparently baby sees in black and white its more textures and noises they like.

Im going to try and get as much on Ebay and second hand and also spread cost with a monthly list and BIG purchases after 20 wks, my SPLASH will be Pram and also a silly thing for me this changing bag, a REAL luxury but  reviews say it lasts for yrs and yrs and looks like a posh handbag.

 http://www.johnlewis.com/storksak-elizabeth-changing-bag-natural/p231108668?kpid=231108668&s_kenid=1d082ad8-9f1e-a468-7abf-000048255e75&s_kwcid=ppc_pla&tmad=c&tmcampid=73

I've heard all babies are different some hate this bottle but love that one, same dummies and some hate moses baskets some love them some hate bouncers etc etc yadda yadda, SO many people have been so kind to send their recommendations and I will sift though these messages and give careful thought :)

Im basically in love with the Little White company, Jojomamanbebe, Petit Bateau, good old John Lewis, Aden and Anais, Cath Kidston....I could go on and On, pastels creams, beige, dove greys, whites, Navy, stripes, but mostly not garish, I swear if we were due a boy the ONLY boys clothes I like our from the White Company. But Im no snob Im ALL OVER packs of Primark white baby grows.

PINK = PRICEY ITEMS

oops! STUFF bought so far...

this says it all...todays haul from the town....ok it was in a sale but....
Im going to compile a list of things bought...

Ordered:

with baby show tickets got a free tommee tipee healthcare kit of brush and comb, nose sucker *bleurgh* , thermometer and nail scissors.

rocking chair

baby first aid

first yr (what to expect when you are expecting series)

here:

Teddies- owl, mini giraffe, mini elephant, mini rabbit, medium white bear(again mostly bought last pregnancy)

2 wubanubs dummy things- one sheep one giraffe, not a fan of dummy per se but these are UBER cute and used in NICU for preemies who find great comfort in them.


muslins- 2 packs of 3 and one large swandoodle muslin swaddle

clothes:
hooded bear eared towel
2 other cuddle dry
1 newborn bodysuit
1 pink bodysuit up to 3 mnths
1 elephant sleep bag (above) 0-3 mnths
1 anchor sleep bag 0-6 mnths
1 sailor pink stripe outfit above 3-6 mnths
1 yellow ducky babygrow 3-6 mnths
1 pink jumper and tracky bums set 3-6mnths
1 newborn noahs ark babygrow
3 baby grow baby gap, navy , navy and white stripe and white 3-6mtnhs
1 blue and white spotty dress baby gap 3-6mnths
blue jumpsuit 0-3 mnths ordered

bath seat

changing mat

1 cushiboo comforter

1 Rabbit nightlight
1 pram toy

 the complete Brambley hedge series and flower fairies :)

books : I had Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty ladybird books already (my fave when I was little ) I bought "The Mousehole cat" in 2006 when we went there. M bought "2 Peas in a Pod", I bought "MY Daddy and ME" as it was 2 bears! Gina Fords lullabies I bought last pregnancy . I have all the Harry Potters but thats for when she is older and Lord of the Rings and Hobbit. I also have "Tales of Beadle The Bard"Special edition (had for yrs)it may be the coolest book ever in a special case with skulls and jewels on, Cant wait to crack that one out as it was "written" by Dumbeldore and Hermione Granger ;)
I also have LOADS of boring baby sleep books!!!
OOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSS. NO MORE.

I cant explain why Im doing this, I know we past the 12 wks mark and Im not so stupid to buy big things like prams etc ...ok I got the rocking chair but it was £13.50 on ebay! The big things will be in January in the sales. But the small things, I think its to make it more REAL. As baby CJ isn't in my tummy- all were on sale or cheap or on deals and Im trying to spread the cost a little ....But still I MUST STOP. In case something goes wrong, Ill be DEVASTATED, I feel like Im buying stuff to STOP it going wrong, does that make sense? It seems like she IS/WILL/MUST come if I buy this stuff.

13 weeks TODAY

13 weeks whoop whoop, Nuchal screen being done today as well god willing all goes well .. R is pretty worried about the Previa also....
baby is now the size of a PEACH (he he Emma L) And Im now meeting God mummy to be Emma L (peach) for coffee today :)

 Now for the juicy stuff - do you like what I did there?!

Growing at a universally breakneck speed now is your baby’s body as it tries to catch up with the head in terms of size. Though your baby’s head is about half the size of its body now, by the time your baby is ready to make his or her entrance into the world, the head will be only a quarter as large as the body.

Your baby’s intestines are also in for some big changes right now. Up to this point, they’ve been growing in a cavity inside the umbilical cord; but now they’re moving to their permanent (and more conveniently located) address, in your baby’s abdomen. And to serve your growing baby’s needs, the placenta is also growing. It weighs about 28 g (1 oz) now and will weigh 0.5 to 1 kg (1 to 2 lb) at birth 

Also developing this week: your baby’s vocal chords. Because sound can’t travel through your uterus (your baby’s current habitat), you won’t be able to hear any sounds or cries just yet, but oh boy (or girl) – those vocal chords will get a good workout once that baby is born. EEK! She even has teeth and FINGERPRINTS!!!!

MY PEACH!!!

NOT our baby! but this is what she will look like!!!! still a bit freakish on the bottom but normal up top lol! We will have a 4d scan weekend Dec 6th hopefully(21.5 wks) and maybe another again done by R 30 something weeks

"A cup of Vintage" saves the day!

Carly just helped me win this fabulous chair and is going to come to my house and see what we have room for in our little 3rd bedroom, thinking cot, chest drawers with changer and maybe a little wardrobe but might be tight on the wardrobe as low ceilings beams and REALLY hard lesson learned on stairs and windows when we moved in- NOT MUCH GETS UP or IN!!!!

As much as I ADORE the white company stuff and its all new and "safe" I really NEED to save cash and here is where it can be saved.

WON for £13.50 on Ebay!!!!!- Going to be painted probably dove grey.

Carly also did our 10 yr wedding ann party and will do our baby shower (the TAME one!)

Carly's vintage china in the back and moi and mr CJ and P and H my brother and sister in law <3

She is Great "A Cup Of Vintage" check her out :)

http://www.acupofvintage.co.uk/

I want to buy EVERYTHING from the White Company!!!

Fallen in love with the cot, the chest of drawers and changer top an the rocking chair! I NEED these!!!!

Then there are the clothes and teddies and books and night things oh my!!!

The Noahs Ark range....to die for! The cot bumper....awwwww

I just weakened and bought some books on amazon! The complete flower fairies- it was pretty cheap and the complete Brambly hedge....

John Lewis and The White company will be my main port of call I think... Oh and not on the highstreet.com ha ha....Im also not opposed to second hand or freebies and when we go to the baby show Im going to be ALL over the freebies like a rash!

Prams are a whole world in itself...Stokke have a stand and Quinny at the baby show, Id like to see the Bugaboos again. and Some Silvercross.

Then slings....ones that don't hurt my back....hmmmmm

A lovely poem from my friend "Mouse"

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oh Baby!!! *update on scan*

Right baby CJ can you stop being so naughty!!!

so the Dr reviewed the scan and good baby CJ is measuring big 12+6 instead of 12 +1 which she is.....


BUT....R also has Placenta Praveia (sp) in which it may all be fine at 20 wk scan unless bleeds, pain , OR can cause a lot of issues...grrrrrrr *sighhhhhhh* R has to have a c section anyways(this condition is a 100% c sec) but.....could cause baby CJ to come super early and need steroids to develop her lungs. We don't need baby coming early and NICU unit... Also R could get put on bed rest or on pelvic rest (like she was with the bleed) which is not ideal for her or us.....Oh dear nothing is simple hey!!???

Oh well going to try and not freak for 8 wks!!! And enjoy.....

SO HAPPY!!!!

So we had the scan!!! ALL was well, though for the life of me I couldn't make out a thing! REALLY RUBBISH scan!!! apparently she has fingers and toes and an ickle nose, I will take their word for it! The bleed had completely gone at LAST!!! Baby was a good size and wriggling about doing headstands and somersaults....from what I could make out! I cant wait to do a 4d scan and REALLY see her! Told the masses and world of FACEBOOK :) very pleased with all the happy calls and texts and all that, I don't know anyone (I hope!) who would judge but I was worried....

We are beyond happy and have just celebrated with a curry...always a winner. Its nice to actually SEE my husband as he has been working so late I haven't seen him since sunday night! He better get a payrise for this ;)

Granny CJ is going to knit something ha ha, although I laugh and she has made some fabulous curtains before and I am RUBBISH at sewing etc...

Family all very excited loving the status updates of the nieces <3

anyways a third of the way there now, whoop whoop!!!!

ps you should have seen us on saturday at the shops, EVERY buggy that went past we were checking out! ooohhh the bugaboo bee, oooh the bugaboo chameleon, ooooooh the I candy...ha ha...

OFFICIALLY grown ups now.....

NO its NOT like THIS...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2439977/Inside-Indias-baby-factory-hundreds-impoverished-Indian-women-paid-5-000-babies-childless-Westerners.html


No.....

In case you are EVEN THINKING...Our situation is NOT like this.

12 WEEKS-the BIG one :)

12 weeks today baby is the size of a PLUM which is nice as "my" Plum is coming to stay on friday...(cousin Plum) We have a scan on Wednesday at about 12pm Chicago time and will announce on Facebook then if all is well....I keep on thinking what to write?! Thinking of this:

"We are SO Excited to say we are having a BABY! After 4 really heartbreaking years it FINALLY seems to be happening, We are going a slightly unusual route and have a lady in USA carrying our little" bun" as my "oven" is broken...(AKA Gestational Surrogacy- look up on google peeps) Our embryo was transferred on 28 july and we are due our little girl on about the 8 april. For anyone interested I have been blogging about it for a few weeks :) "

Right.. whats going on in there?

Baby CJ is the size of a large plum- She is developing reflexes this week, if she was poked she would probably move, she is really fully formed just tiny and needs to mature and develop, she is starting to suck , nerve cells are multiplying rapidly and in her brain synapses are forming furiously. Her face looks very human, her eyes are in front now rather than alien like and evil at the side! Ears are right where they will stay.
R should be a bit less hormonal now ;) Also she may start to look preggers. Im hoping for weekly or bi-weekly bump photos soon..... The doppler in her goody box should arrive this week so it will be fun to hear the heartbeat when we skype. Although there is only a teeny bottle of gel in the box- I HAD bought a huge tube on amazon but left it out of the package...doh! BUT actually in the end it made the parcel a lot cheaper to send!