humph

no scan pics yet....DESPERATE for them....Still yet to hear the doppler...oh well... buying lots cheap things to make me feel a bit more included in the whole process.. Although today did buy couple of things full price (felt naughty) the cutest little dress from gap and also the cot bumper we loved loved from the white company and had looked at about 60 times longingly, I knew id regret it if we didn't as I adored it, lovely noahs ark theme. M loved the little dress and we got all excited and had a big snuggle  WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!! after 4 yrs of literally wanting to at times die I was so sad or ill this is bringing so much joy. Its hard though not feeling included being so far away, I am so grateful to be able to do surrogacy, even if it means a lot of debt but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I wish more than all the world to just be ABLE to get pregnant, not suffer, have my baby grow inside ME and therefore be INCLUDED in it all ...Its a tough tough journey not to be taken lightly...Im not sure I could do this again! I'd go through childbirth a zillion times to be able to do it myself!!! Its no easy ride being an intended parent, you feel at times lost, confused by different ways of doing things, exhausted, frustrated,angry at times, left out...its a REAL roller coaster, but hopefully in the end when the baby is in our arms and home and OURS, it will all have been so worth it. But its hard not having a bump,even seeing bump pics, or feeling the baby move or being there for scans, having a copy...I don't know what it feels like for R, her cravings, I wish I knew more...EVERY detail however big or little is so important. People might think oh its an easy option you get someone knocked up and you sit back and chillax, oh how naive! Its a juggling act, they say IVF is hard but try that and surrogacy! IVF , the worry of how many eggs did you get, how many fertilised,how many made it to day 3. to day 5, through PGD, is she pregnant, Oh god she's bleeding will we lose it, then all the other stuff, its a nightmare and a dream a wonderful dream at the same time! Do you understand? Now despite the Previa and various other issues, we feel it happening... its close!!! We still have dangers of course and 20 wks scan will be a biggy but right now through some frustrated tears we have so much love and happiness! This bubs is soooo loved already! We both simply cannot wait!!! But I cant deny I wish it didn't have to be like this...that we could do it like most people! life is unfair at times....But hopefully IVF and surrogacy is helping out thousands of people all over the world right now.